Parenting By Our Strengths

Use the Strengths You Have

2010-07-14T13:54:00.003-05:00

I have identified a list of Positive Parenting Strengths (you could call them Values in Parenting - VIP's) that are explicitly helpful in family life. We have many of the Positive Parenting Strengths in abundance but don’t always recognize them as valuable. When parents recognize these attributes and mindfully expand their use in situations, we feel more assured in our parenting. Increasing our reliance on these strengths also tends to give us more confidence in our communities and in work lives, as we see them help in all relationships.
The VIPs list is meant as an adjunct to the Values In Action list created by Chris Peterson, the positive psychology researcher, so I have not replicated the many valuable parenting skills, such as authenticity, curiosity, love of learning in the original. The lists can be used together to focus and enhance parents’ efforts.
Here,are the first two. These are skills that help parents of any aged child improve communication, feel more calm and confident, and maintain loving connections. Read through them and see how you may use them in sticky situations in your family.

1) Staying Grounded
You are able to stop, breathe, and connect in with the lower half of your body, especially when you find yourself getting worked up. You settle, turn inward, and feel the energy moving in your abdomen, pelvis, thighs, knees, calves, ankles, and feet. You feel your energy joining with the energy of the earth, so that you feel connected, rather than like a helium balloon that someone forgot to knot after blowing up. You stay internally present in difficult and emotional situations.

2) Centered
You have a strong sense of your true self, and you feel it as a place in which you reside in yourself. You have a clear experience of the distinction between your personality and your Being. You are good at gathering yourself, not being distracted, or pulled into self-judgment. When the going gets tough, rather than reacting by scattering or closing down, you make a point of staying open and self-aware. You know that being centered connects you to spirit and to well-being.

Happy Summer!

Eight Tips for Nurturing Multiracial Children

2007-12-06T11:23:00.000-06:00

A very nice person found her way to my website the other day and took the time to comment on my Biracial Kids page. Part of what she said was: “…kids are flexible” (and) “adults worry too much…” about being multiracial. I agree, kids are flexible and can be resilient. As parents/grandparents/or caregivers, we do worry, (But, I don’t think too much) about our kids as they negotiate this increasingly diverse world where racism is alive and thriving everywhere, sometime subtle and at other times blatant.

Research indicates that multiracial children and youth do have very unique needs and developmental challenges than do their monoracial peers. They must integrate dual racial and/or cultural identifications and then develop a positive racial identity, a positive self-concept, and a sense of competence, while accomplishing other developmental tasks (e.g., peer relationships, sexual identity, choosing a career, leaving home, etc.). They must develop verbal, intellectual and physical abilities to negotiate the racism that surrounds all of us, which impacts our lives everyday. So with this in mind, here is some expert advice for nurturing your multiracial children:

1. Talk about race routinely. This indicates you are open to answering questions and discussing concerns about race, and anything else your child may be experiencing. Identify instances of racism on the TV and in real life so she will recognize it when confronted with it.

2. Get to know the different ways that multiracial people may understand themselves racially. Discuss your child’s identity with her early, and later, when she may choose other identities.

3. Teach the history for all your child’s inherited cultures. If you haven’t yet, start a family tree and let her help. Teach about her European ethnicity along with her other heritages (African American, Native American, Latino, Chinese, etc) as appropriate.

4. Examine your inner prejudices and be aware of how you may make use of stereotypes. Do you have a mix of friends?

5. Establish a positive relationship with your child’s teacher early in the
school year. Spend time in the classroom, whenever, possible. It will be easier to discuss any difficult situation that may be racial, if it should arise.

6. Monitor, and if necessary, intervene in your child’s relationships with
friends and peers. Be aware of sudden changes in her moods and
behaviors that may indicate some underlying distress. Find out what might
explain the changes (It may or may not be racial).

7. Practice different types of verbal responses that she can use to affirm her identity when she is misidentified or when her racial identity is directly challenged. Multiracial people, regardless of their heritages, are not all alike - they don’t all look alike, they don’t understand themselves racially in the same way, and they may not even choose the same racial identity as siblings they live with.

8. Encourage participation in an activity that is fun and enjoyable and, which allows for developing a talent or skill building. Engaging in activities that she feels good at builds self-esteem and can counteract negative messages from others. Some suggested activities are: art, music, dance, mathematics, chess, Lego building, rock collecting, acting, sports,
or a combination of activities.

Following these eight tips you can be certain that you are doing your best to insure your child’s comfort with her multiracial heritage.

Next time, I will talk about developing a multiracial identity.

In the mean time, check out the following resources for more information:

Does Anybody Else Look Like Me? A Parent's Guide to Raising Multiracial Children by Donna Jackson Nakazawa

Raising Biracial Children by Kerry Ann Rockquemore and Tracey A. Laszloffy

“If Nothing Ever Changed, There Would Be No Butterflies.”
www.janicevanburenphd.com
janice@janicevanburenphd.com
609.915.4677

Families and Autism: Holidays at the Grandparents' House

2007-11-07T16:03:00.000-06:00

As the grandparents of a little boy on the autistic spectrum, we have joined several organizations to help us become better parents and grandparents. Although we're both researchers and consider ourselves knowledgeable people, there has just been too much to learn on our own, so we are grateful to benefit from the work of so many others.

When Autism becomes part of your larger family life, things turn upside down. I'm sure it's true for any of you who have grandchildren with special needs. First, everyone has to deal with the stages of acceptance of the reality that these grandchildren need many kinds of services, the more the better when they are very young.

Watching your own children cope with the emotional rollercoasters they must ride is difficult enough. In addition, seeing the unremitting pressures on them as they try to balance work with childcare that goes beyond the norm and with all of the extra costs of services not covered by insurance or the municipality, can makes you as the older generation feel quite worried for their well-being.

We are learning, by trial and error and by talking a lot with our son and daughter in law, what we can do to relieve their unavoidable stress. We live across the country from them, so we can't just hop over and babysit on a regular basis. We don't have the financial resources to relieve them very much that way either. (What has helped us tremendously is being able to read the blog our daughter in law writes on their daily life, which gives us a glimpse of what they are experiencing.)

What we can do is listen when they need to talk.

What we can do is continue to educate ourselves about the Autistic spectrum.

What we can do is try to create an atmosphere, when they are with us, that allows them to relax.

That means being aware of what helps our sweet grandson relax. He loves being with his equally young cousins when they don't overwhelm him with noise, for example. He does best when we provide quiet places for him to retreat to when he needs that. Careful timing and pacing of visits is helpful too. And of course spending precious time with him while giving his parents some time to themselves is always appreciated.

Recently we got an online newsletter from the Autism Society of America with excellent tips on how to make big family holidays happier for your autistic grandchildren and everyone else. Click on this link to read the whole article.

Here are some ideas from the article that we have found especially helpful:

1. create transitions to help your grandchildren get used to larger numbers of people, such as talking to them about who will be coming to visit;

2. take them to a quiet place to play or outside for a walk to help them calm down when there is too much activity;

3. plan ahead: ask other family members to spend one on one time with them during the visit;

4. if the children are old enough, give them appropriate tasks (such as handing out napkins)so they can help out too--everybody likes to feel needed and useful.

Autism in the family is a challenge. So little is still known about the condition, and so much is being discovered daily. The learning curve is steep. Making family holidays into events that everybody can enjoy is not easy even when Autism is not an issue (psychotherapists can attest to that!), so there actually may be a hidden benefit here. As grandparents we are pushed to become more aware of our ability to help our families celebrate holidays happily and our power to make good things happen through conscious action.

Parenting One Drop At A Time

2007-10-17T20:52:00.000-05:00

My younger son takes Tae Kwon Do. A few weeks back we were at the studio before a class and he was on the floor stretching and then practicing his forms. Other children, the same age and older, and many at higher belt levels, were chasing each other, climbing on mats, and kicking the sparring dummies. The instructors and studio owner have clearly told the children what’s allowed and what isn’t, but they won’t follow the rules until an instructor comes in.

One of the mothers pointed to my son and said, “He’s so focused.” I told her he’s usually pretty scattered and needs some guidance and redirection. So she asked me, “How did you get him to work on his forms?”

“I told him to,” I explained.

She looked surprised. She said I should talk to all the kids. I explained they don’t know me well and I don’t have a way to enforce rules so they wouldn’t listen to me. She went to the doorway of the training room and suggested to some of the students that they needed to practice since belt tests were coming up. They stopped just long enough to look at her, but then returned to their horseplay when she quit talking. Leading children doesn’t work in isolation. It’s an ongoing project.

Parenting is like cultivating a botanical park from wilderness. It’s planting and tending and pruning. It’s watering and draining away excess water. It’s fertilizing, especially through an organic system where natural processes provide the nutrition. It’s pulling weeds—lots and lots of pulling weeds!

As parents we want to encourage self-sufficiency, nurture good habits, build up self-confidence, and cultivate strong character based on principles and deep values. Lectures and occasional “crackdowns” on behavior don’t accomplish this. We nurture these attitudes and habits a drop at a time over many years.
We are guiding our children’s behaviors and their thoughts. With time, behaviors become habits, and habits become character. Thoughts become beliefs, and beliefs shape reality. Our children’s character and beliefs determine who they are. Their character and beliefs will grow from their experiences, whether we are intentional and purposeful in what we are teaching or unaware of what they are learning. Something’s going to grow in that garden, with or without our help. We shape the garden by cultivating.

My nine-year-old son is able to put up his laundry by himself. I say able, because in all honesty he doesn’t want to do it and he loves having help. But he is able. I started by having him help put away an item or two when he was a toddler. Now he folds and hangs up, and he’s helping with washing and drying so he’ll be able to do his own laundry in a year or so.

In the same way, I help my sons build habits of thought. For example, I want them to understand gratitude. I want them to see even small favors as a gift. Giving reminders about using their manners as they head out to an event won’t be enough to instill a spirit of gratitude. A sticker chart might get them to use polite words, but it won’t teach the value of gratitude. I have to make it my goal and find opportunities to teach and train. For example, I will be sure to use “please” and “thank you” with simple requests of them. I tell them how the favor specifically helps me. When they ask for help with something I make sure I hear “please,” especially when they’re talking to each other. If I don’t hear “thank you” between brothers, I comment that one went out of his way to help the other. This prompts a “thank you” and a specific statement of appreciation. It’s then that I see the spirit of gratitude coming through.

This approach applies to most habits that define maturity and character. For example, children can learn to avoid chores and complain about them, or they can learn the value of taking care of their own things and the connection built by sharing in family tasks. They can learn to put work first and play second, or they can learn to go out with friends and put off homework and chores until later. They can learn it’s okay for brothers and sisters to fight and argue constantly, or they can learn to resolve problems and treat each other with consideration. They can learn to be rude and sassy to us in front of their friends if we agree “fitting in” with rude and sassy friends is more important than kindness and respect. Or they can learn to take a stand for being considerate and respecting their parents. It depends on how and where we lead them.

To be fair to the mother at Tae Kwon Do, “I told him to” was a pretty brief answer. The reasons my son was practicing were many. When he first wanted to sign up, I told him it was a commitment of family time and money. I explained what we expected: that he would do his best and invest his effort at improving, and he would have to pay close attention and understand what the instructor was teaching. From time to time I review the expectations and remind him he can continue to commit and make an effort or let it go if he’s not enjoying it any more.

So he was practicing his forms because he likes Tae Kwon Do and wants to improve. He was practicing because he preferred to do that instead of sitting in the viewing area. He was practicing because he knew if he started acting silly and breaking studio rules I would make him sit down and might take him home.

Teaching Tae Kwon Do is a wonderful analogy for parenting. Brand new students learn basic moves and get a higher belt when they “master” them. But several belts up those same moves look much different. They are more precise, more defined, and more powerful. At each level the standard for performing the move increases. When a black belt demonstrates a basic move, you can hear the foot or hand whipping through the air!

Students only receive the privilege and responsibility of moving to a higher belt level when they have demonstrated they are ready. Instructors don’t say, “This girl is in junior high now so we have to give her a higher belt with higher privileges.” They say, “This girl is in junior high so we expect her to be able to earn this higher belt…but we’re not giving it to her until she earns it.”

The expectations increase as the student gets older, but the freedoms and privileges only increase as they are earned. And the instructor knows when that time has come, because she is watching, reinforcing, correcting, demonstrating, explaining, and refining the student’s moves and decisions. The instructor is attending mindfully to the student while having the student practice things she has been doing for years. The instructor watches the progress carefully and continues to guide, showing ways to strengthen punches and removing habits of sloppy stances and weak kicks.

The basic patterns of behavior and thought are taught early on in Tae Kwon Do, but they are practiced and refined with each lesson. The instructor says, “Lift your leg this way and your kick will be stronger.” She says, “Put your hand here for this kind of block or your sparring partner will be able to hit your face.” Behavior and thought come together for an ultimate purpose.

To me, that’s Mentorship. A Mentor sees where you are, what you are capable of doing, and where you can be in the future. A Mentor shows you your potential and helps you set goals and create a path to get there. As parents we can mentor our children to become capable adults with strong character who connect with people and live with purpose, meaning, contentment, and occasionally joy. We do this one drop at a time.

Parenting Teenagers

2007-10-11T15:37:00.000-05:00

Parenting teenagers might be harder today than ever before, even for those parents who pretty much "have it all together."

Parenting teenagers has been made so difficult today by significant social changes over the past twenty years that have weakened parent-child bonds in many families.

Social Trends

1). Technology has been pulling children away from their parents: powerful computers and computer games, broad internet access, MySpace and YouTube type communication, interactive video games, cell phones, ipods, etc. These technologies have made all information available to all people regardless of age--or children’s readiness to deal with it. The child’s world has been expanded to the limits of the globe, way beyond the reach of parents and the four walls of the home.

2). At the same time, economic stresses and pressures on parents and families have been pulling parents away from their children. The vast majority of mothers have long been in the work force, outside the home, leaving a large part of the nurturing and raising of their youngest children in the hands of outsiders. Many parents have less time to spend with their children.

3). Interpersonal stresses and loss have been negatively impacting children for a long time, through divorce, remarriage, single-parent families, and (it appears to me) increasingly bitter custody battles.

4). Legal protections of children have tied parents’ hands from using the old fashioned methods of "disciplining" by corporal punishment, and many parents feel at a loss as to how to replace the old methods with more effective ones.

As a result of these social trends, teenagers are, by and large, much more sophisticated, more worldly-wise, more autonomous, more "hardened," more disconnected from parents, and more "well-connected" outside the home than there parents were as children. So it’s not really surprising that they are, as a group, more apt to defy their parents than today’s parents were when they themselves were teens.

And it’s not surprising that parents of teens often find it impossible to "keep their kids in line" using the parenting techniques they learned from their own parents, in a different day and age. Today's parents of teens are too often trying harder with primitive methods that are essentially power-and-control tactics (like punishment by deprivation of goods, money, or privileges). These methods are not only ineffective, but, making matters worse, they too often invite teenagers’ anger, and challenge them to be even more defiant.

So, what are today's parents of teenagers to do? Here are ten suggestions.

My experience as a parent educator and coach is teaching me that the way to go is for parents to parent smarter rather than harder. They say "you can’t teach an old dog new tricks." As some of the parents I work with tell me, it’s really hard to start breaking bad habits and even harder to keep from falling back into them. But those who are persistent, and committed to learning a few new skills, are having remarkable success with teenagers who were not so long ago driving them crazy. Here’s what I’m recommending, and what they are learning to do that is actually working in the sense that they are feeling better about themselves as parents and also seeing positive responses in their teenagers.

1). I tell these parents that they have been fired as their teenager’s boss. I tell them, This can be seen from a developmental perspective–it’s their job to get ready for life on their own. They think they’re grown. They demand to be treated as adults. They say they’re no longer kids. And they’ve decided that you, their parents, are no longer their boss. Period. Accept it. This requires an attitude adjustment on your part. Now you’ve got to learn some new tricks, and learn to parent smarter.

2). I recommend that my parents try coming at this whole thing from the opposite side, and try (as an experiment) a counter-intuitive approach: namely, backing off. Wanting the best for their kids, they’ve been trying too hard, using outmoded and ineffective methods (especially punishments) that don’t work. These kids are too smart and too independent to be fazed, and they only get madder and more defiant. To me "backing off" does not mean "backing down" or "backing away" or "backing out." It means to stop giving orders, stop yelling, stop criticizing, stop correcting, stop lecturing and explaining, stop making demands, stop the endless reminders, and (I’ll repeat it once more) stop giving orders. Your kids know what you want and how you think. It’s not that they "don’t listen." They hear it all–it’s just that they refuse to comply. And they know that you can’t make them do anything. The best you can do is get their cooperation. So, instead of making demands, make requests. And be willing to settle for a "no."

3). I recommend that parents figure out which role they have been typically playing with their teenager. From most authoritative to least, the six possibilities are: sheriff, boss, guide, consultant, friend, and servant. The only role that will consistently work well with teenagers is the consultant role. Your job is to get rehired as the teen’s consultant. And a consultant gives his or her opinions only when they’re wanted. So you have to learn when your teenager wants to hear your opinion before you give it.

4). In this respect, I recommend that the parents start listening and observing, without making comments or judgments. It’s more important for you to hear what your kid thinks than for your kid to hear what you think. (They’ve already heard it a thousand times.) I recommend that they talk much less to their teenager, and let the teen take the lead in starting conversations. Then, when they do, the parent should perk up, show interest, ask questions, try to learn how the teen thinks and feels about things that are important to him/her.

5). If 90% of the parent’s communication is reserved for listening (which I recommend), then the 10% that’s left for talking can be much more effective (and less bossy). That 10% is reserved for making requests (not giving orders). It’s for asking opinions (not providing them). It’s for making "I-messages" (not "you-messages"). It might even be for making apologies (not demanding them).

6). There will, of course, be times when the parent wants to discuss something and hold the teen accountable. I recommend "holding off" on it till the teen comes to you with some kind of request (or demand) of you, like going to a rock concert. Your response can then be something like, "Oh, I’m glad you mentioned that. It reminds me that I’ve been wanting to ask you about the fact that the lawn hasn’t been cut for three weeks." Stop. See how he responds. You have now set the table for a little dialog: he wants something, and you want something. Get his ideas on how this dilemma should be handled. The more the teenager takes the lead in offering solutions to problems you have with him/her, the better.

7). I strongly recommend that my parents toss out the concept of "rules," and replace it with "agreements." House agreements are negotiated, not imposed, like rules are. So, too, are consequences–positive as well as negative, with the positive being far more effective in encouraging responsible actions.

8). I also recommend that parents redefine "discipline." Unfortunately, in our culture it always means "punishment," but in Latin "disciplina" means teaching and learning. So I suggest thinking of "discipline" in the home as "teaching (and learning) responsibility and cooperation." It’s always based on dialogue, and agreement, not orders or commands.

9). I strongly recommend to my parents that they entirely avoid arguments and power struggles. It always takes two to argue, and if parents can control themselves and refuse to engage in power struggles, they will help both their teenager and themselves to avoid digging a deeper pit than they are already in. If the parent can accept the fact that s/he does not have to "win" in order to be a good or effective parent, it helps the child by letting them know that mom (or dad) may not agree, but she (he) can at least accept them as having a different view (and perhaps a very disagreeable one). This is clearly a sign of respect, which also conveys that the parent is aware that s/he cannot control the teen’s thoughts, feelings, or behavior, and is not about to try. Also, if parents can possible see that their child’s angry tantrum and willingness to engage in a power struggle might be motivated by feelings of weakness, inadequacy, or low self-worth, they can more easily let go of the need to "win" and relate to their child’s painful underlying feelings.

10). Regarding school attendance and performance, I always recommend that parents be aware of what their teen is doing, but don’t try to push them to perform better. They know good and well that their high school studies will affect post-high opportunities. And I’ve known teenagers who didn’t want to go to college, but later got themselves into a Voc-Tech program and were quite satisfied doing what they wanted to do.

Conclusion

I am finding that parents who seek out educational or coaching experiences are a pleasure to work with because they are willing to learn and change in order to help their child(ren) and to improve their parent-child relationships. While the task is typically harder than most parents expect it will be, and while some parents have an easier time than others in learning to parent "smarter rather than harder," almost all of them are grateful to learn that there are different ways of handling things than they learned from their own parents. And those who hang in there, working at learning new skills over a period of months, not only feel better about themselves as parents, but even find a satisfying payoff in an improved parent-teen relationship.

Talking to Kids about S-E-X

2007-09-28T16:38:00.000-05:00

When parents think about talking to their children and teens about sexuality, common questions arise.

At what age do I begin talking about sex with my child?

Won’t I damage their innocence if I tell them these “grown-up” things?

What do I do about media?

If I talk about contraception and safe sex practices with my teen, won’t he or she think I think it’s ok for him/her to have sex? Won’t I just be making him/her want to go do it?

Most parents agree that their kids need to know the basics about sex—the “plumbing lesson,” so to speak. Insightful parents realize their kids need a lot more. This is where things can get tricky. These are not always easy conversations to have with children and teens, even though we know they are important. Many of us grew up in homes where sexuality was not a topic open for discussion around the dinner table. Here is some information that will hopefully help you as you embark on this important parenting journey.

Parents are their children’s first and primary sexuality educators, whether they are talking about sexuality or not. Either way, you give a loud message to your child. Is it ok to talk about these parts of my body and their functions? Is it embarrassing and shameful? Natural and normal?

Think about what messages you give on a daily basis regarding bodies and what they do. When children are infants, they often discover their genitalia at some point during the diaper changing process. What is your reaction? Is it matter of fact? Do you give them the name for that body part (penis, vulva) like you would if they found their nose? If you’re past this stage and wished you’d done it differently, no worries. The great thing about parenting is that issues come up again and again in different ways, so we get lots of practice to grow into how we want to be.

Toddlers and preschoolers are often curious about their body parts and what they do. Many times, families are having a second or subsequent child around this time, so a natural opportunity for discussion arises. There are some wonderful resources around teaching young children in the form of books that can help, especially if you are at all uncomfortable saying words like penis, testicles, vagina and vulva in front of your young child. One such book is Belly Buttons are Navels by Mark Schoen. For more resources for young children and also preteens and teens, go to http://www.diligentjoy.com/resources.html.

Some parents worry about damaging their child’s innocence by talking about sex. If we are discussing sexuality matter-of-factly and letting our kids take the lead with questions, there is little chance of this. Some children, however, will never bring it up, even if you are willing to talk about it. That’s where a book like Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children About Sex and Character by Dominic Cappello and Pepper Schwartz can be helpful. This book encourages parents to be clear about their values, and then walks you through ten conversations to have with your child in a story format. Again, there are many resources to help you in this process.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the media in today’s parenting world. There are several options we have as parents when dealing with tv, the internet, and other sources of blatant and often unhealthy displays of sexuality. Parents can set limits regarding television viewing in terms of time and allowable programs. Many televisions now come with the ability to block any shows or ratings that are unacceptable to you. These are especially useful when you have several ages of children in your home. Computers are also able to be set up to block sites, words, topics, etc. Check your computer software or look at your local electronics store for one of the many options available. Remember, though, that no matter what you do, your child will probably be exposed at some time to something that you wish he or she hadn’t seen. Use these opportunities to keep the lines of communication open. Ask questions that bring in your values. Do you think that was respectful behavior? Why or why not? What do you think she is saying about herself by wearing that? Do you know kids who dress/act like that? What do you think about them? It’s important these questions are asked in a matter of fact way, and not in a way that implies there is only one acceptable answer. The goal is to keep communication open.

The debate about teaching teens about sexuality and how it affects their behavior has been raging for decades. Fortunately, the research is clear. Teaching children and youth about sexuality, including the use of contraception and barrier methods to promote safe sexual behavior, does not increase the age of onset in sexual behavior. In fact, it has been shown to decrease both teen pregnancy rates and rates of sexually transmitted infections, which many teens do not realize can be spread without having vaginal intercourse. In my experience with teaching sexuality education to teens, the more information they have, the more seriously they take the decision of becoming sexually active.

One expert I heard recently summed up this issue very well. She said that some conservative abstinence-only-until-marriage groups say the equivalent of “Don’t think about it—just don’t do it.” On the other side of the same coin there is the media/popular culture saying the equivalent of “Don’t think about it—just do it.” What’s not only important for young people to do, but also what has been shown to be the most effective in keeping them healthy, is to think about it. So swallow those uncomfortable feelings, check out some good resources, and start talking to your kids about sex.

Introducing Peri-Adolescence, a new developmental phase

2006-12-12T10:25:00.000-06:00

Hi, I'm Sarah Gillen. I'm a certified Parenting Coach, and a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. I’m writing a book proposing a new phase of child development, that I strongly think needs to be recognized. The ideas in it benefit pre-teens and teens as well. These concepts also help marriages, and any other relationship! So, I’m hoping that many folks will find value and be helped to have happier relationships from the book.

I want to discuss it here and get your responses. That’ll help me a lot to fine-tune the material for book form.
I’ve coined the term, “peri-adolescence” to describe the new phase, which in girls is from 8 – 10, and in boys is 9 – 11.

Have you been shocked or surprised by some of the behaviors of your kids in these age groups? Are you surprised by tantrums, rudeness, tough-guy posturing, increased aggression, sneering, or hyper-sensitivity and to tone or comments, leading to outrage and quickly escalating fights? Parents and teachers are seeing moodiness and upset that we used to expect in 13 year olds. What is going on, and why is it happening so much sooner?

The angst that children are evincing looks like adolescence. In early adolescence – 13-14 or so, kids seem so tough and rejecting. They are moody, aloof. They don’t seem to want anything to do with us. In actuality, because of what is happening neurologically, as well as psychologically at this age, their aloofness and rudeness hide a vulnerable and delicate core. It’s as if they know that their sense of self is not ready for public exposure. On some level, they know that they don’t have a clear, strong sense of who they are with which to meet the rigors of adult life.

So it is with 8-11 year olds now. The rudeness, the freaking out, are not signs children are more mature earlier. They are signs that the pressures have increased, the expectations that children feel have increased, and kids don’t know what to do with them, at the same time as their bodies are beginning the second largest change in their lives.

The benefits of recognizing peri-adolescence as a developmental phase are that:
we can reduce painful mislabeling of their behavior and motivations, so that disruptive and conflictual acting out is reduced
ease their transition into adolescence
ensure that teens enjoy a healthy and rich connection with their families thru to adulthood
increase the possibility that girls, especially, will retain higher self-esteem (I’ll talk about the research that shows how much girls lose their self-confidence as they move from childhood into adolescence)

Here, as well as In my own blog, http://www.peri-adolescence.typepad.com/, I’ll talk about:
the 3 reasons why children seem to be developing sooner,
what is going on biologically at this age, and
why it’s important to recognize the pressures on modern kids, both internal and external,
what parents and teachers can do to understand and respond differently,
what not to do.

Is this topic of interest to you? What thoughts do you have as to what’s going on with our kids?

Teaching Children to Share

2006-12-11T11:46:00.000-06:00

Have you ever noticed the look on the face of a 3 year old when told to “share a toy”? I don’t think a look of gratitude or understanding is what comes to mind. I think most young children equate sharing with “me having nothing” and the other child having “everything”.

I noticed that if I requested that my kids “traded” toys, instead of “sharing” a toy, I got much better cooperation. This way, both kids had something. My question to my child when they wanted something the other child had was, “What’s your trade?”. At times, I may have had to referee, “find a better trade”, when an older child was trying to sneak in a loser trade. For the most part, however, the idea makes sense to children and is received easily.

Another tip is to offer “taking turns” and then set a timer or number of tries as the trade off point. Remember that 10 minutes or 10 tries is an ETERNITY to a 3 year old. Keep the time and turns within a limit that would make sense for a young child – 5 minutes or 3 turns for example.

Before you know it, you will hear your children becoming master negotiators and sharers of all things.

Anyone else have any tips or thoughts on sharing?

Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach

Imagine Your Life…Then Live It!

Teaching Children to Fish

2006-12-04T10:36:00.000-06:00

Ask a parent to describe in a word or two what long-range vision they have for their child. Most will say something like the following…success, happiness, independence, a good job, loving family and friends, etc.

The question becomes, “How do we, as parents, help our children get to this goal?”.

I believe that most parents would agree that it is important to EMPOWER children and not ENABLE them. But, what does it mean to empower or enable? I think the following Chinese Proverb is the perfect definition.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

This proverb illustrates enabling (DOING for your child so that he is dependent on you. Giving the fish.) versus empowering (TEACHING your child so that confidence and independence are built).

Although it may take longer, I’m trying to teach my children to fish :-)

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

2006-11-26T11:27:00.000-06:00

I'd love to know whether anyone in our parenting group has used "Parenting With Love and Logic" and/or "Parenting Teens With Love and Logic," both by Cline and Fay, particularly their approach to dealing with kids' anger. They focus a great deal on consistency, on parents' learning how to modulate their own responses to kids' behavior, and on always linking behavior and consequences (like the "real world," they point out. My daughter in law recently took a course in her local school which used their materials and says she found it helpful for clarifying her thinking. But since nobody in our group has mentioned them, I wonder what you feel about the validity and usefulness of this approach.

Anger in the family

2006-11-13T21:40:00.000-06:00

In the parenting workshops I'm doing I hear a lot from parents talk about their childlren's anger--tantrums, verbal and physical fights with each other, outbursts at school or with other peers, etc. One approach to dealing with this is the one Izzy Kalman takes. I attended a workshop he did in September 06, where he taught us to use his "game" as a technique for dealing with anger. It's very interesting, but I don't want to go into it here other than to say that his approach to helping parents deal with children's anger outbursts is essentially to NOT try to stop them or stop the fighting, or punish them for it, because that's what fuels the fire. In similar fashion he says the way to stop bullying is not to punish the bully, but teach the victim not to be intimidated. He does workshops around the country and works with school districts on this. For more informtion, visit his website: www.Bullies2Buddies.com.

My concern here is the parents' anger. I've developed a 10-session course on anger management for parents and other adults that I'm running now for the 2nd time at a local agency. Lorraine Bilodeau (in Responding to Anger) speak of an "anger response cycle," and I've taken that idea and added some things to it that might sound a little complicated, but I build it up over time in the course. The basics are: 1) a trigger event (X), 2) my thought about X, 3) adrenaline reaction in the brain causes 4) a defensive emotional response (anger), and I immediately have 5) another thought about what to do, which leads to 6) a behvioral reaction to X on my part.

At point 2), which I call "Thought 1" or the "Threat Thought," I make an interpretation about X that either causes an adrenalin/anger response or does not. And at point 5), which I call "Thought 2" or the "Decision Thought," I have one or more thoughts that determine what I will say or do behaviorally. The whole cycle usually occurs in a split second for many people. My goal is to help participants see that there are 2 points in the anger response cycle that they have the power to intervene: thoughts 1 and 2, and to help them work with this and become more conscious of their own internal process in anger situations.

Two neat things have come out of the current class that I'm teaching. 1) One participant identified the insight that at Thought 1, "It's Me!" In other words, I make myself angry, the other person doesn't, depending on what my interpretation of X is. The other neat thing is that another participant (who has had a very explosive and violent temper) came up with the insight that the whole thing happens so fast that at Thought 2 "You don't hear yourself think!" I've been celebrating those two insights in the group, and most group members are finding that they simply are not getting angry very much any more (thanks to "Thought 1"), and this other fellow, while he still gets angry quickly, is now slowing down and at Thought 2 is thinking through the consequences of potential responses and is simply not exploding, but taking time out to consider options and determine how he wants to respond.

(Sorry for being so long-winded. But it's Golden's fault! He "made" me promise to post something here, and this is what we were talking about in our last group meeting. It's not MY fault if I get carried away!)

Chuck Adam

Children's Privacy

2006-11-12T18:52:00.000-06:00

I saw a news article several weeks ago on the Today Show. The issue they were addressing was privacy for teenagers. The professional they had on the show basically said parents need to make privacy decisions based on the child. Upon first glance that may sound acceptable. However, the article seemed to neglect a primary principle of parenting....SAFETY. As a parent and bonus parent I am responsible for the safety of my family. Although the internet is for the most part safe, it has many vulnerabilities. My 13 y/0 bonus daughter loves using "My Space" to stay in contact with her friends. Here again, I think it can be a great tool for communication and fun. However, she only 13 y/0. She is vulnerable even though she does not think so. How can she know of the risks? She does not have the life experience or maturity to know that she is at risk. Therefore, it is her mother's and my responsibility to be diligent in our pursuit of safety. Nothing, absolutely nothing on the internet is private. Once it is on the world web someone with enough knowledge and determination can have access to that information and trace it to the exact location. This is where the vulnerability lies and a question emerges. How far can we as parents move into our children's world without an personal invitation? I basically think that if I believe a risk exists, I have the right and obligation to be involved. What do you think?

By the way, My Space is the website that one of the major television networks entraps sexual abusers. They have entrapped many, many sick and perverted people.

Stay Strong; Stay Positive

Golden Jenkins, M.Div., M.Ed., LPC

LifeCare Coaching
Auburn, AL
334.444.3500

Caring For Your Life is Our Passion

Grand/Parenting: What Do Our Families Need From Us?

2006-11-10T08:19:00.000-06:00

Parenting By Our Strengths is a lovely, appropriate title for this blog. I'd like to add another dimension to the discussion because I am both a parent and a grandparent. My husband and I are grandparents to several young children, including a special needs child.

What I have learned (to my surprise!) at this stage of life is that we never stop being parents--although the challenge is to learn how to be good parents to our children as they mature--and that when they in turn become parents, this adds a layer of complexity as well as richness to family life. The optimal outcome between us and our adult children, I believe, is to create a relationship where we enjoy and support and respect each other as adults. That seems clear to me.

But I have been less clear about our optimal relationship to our children as grandparents. In my professional work with parents I often hear feelings of disappointment when grandparents are not very involved or apparently interested in their grandchildren. I hear more of those complaints, interestingly, than complaints that grandparents are intrusive. When I speak with people of my own generation--the grandfolks--I hear delight in having grandkids, coupled with great energy for their own lives. These days many grandparents work well past retirement age for economic or personal reasons, or they travel frequently and split their time between retirement homes. Often they do help their children out financially or by babysitting. Sometimes everyone is happy with the family structure as it evolves. Other times old tensions reappear, or new ones come into play. I see this particularly with families where the adult children are undergoing a lot of stress, sometimes because of financial problems, sometimes because of marital conflict, sometimes because of the demands of caring for their special needs children.

Recently my husband and I joined a support group in Manhattan for grandparents of children on the autistic spectrum. It's a relief to find such a community partly because we want to keep up the newest research on autism. But I have another reason too: I have become aware, through working with young parents of autistic children, of how hurt they often feel because they see their parents interacting less or inappropriately, with the autistic child compared to its siblings. They say that when they try to address the problem, they feel defensive and are met with defensiveness. The grandparents are truly unaware of any difference and certainly do not love this grandchild any less.

As I see how easy it is for misunderstanding and hurt to develop on both sides and for these to damage a good family relationship, I want us to be more aware of our own blind spots as grandparents and find out how other grandparents deal with these issues. What I have discovered so far is that a chronic condition like autism can have hidden effects on everyone's morale. What I want is to find new ways to do more than just cope but actually thrive as a family. I am coming to think that this is a central role grandparents can play. I would love to hear from people with ideas that I can bring to this group of grandparents, who are dedicated and sometimes stretched beyond their limits by their wish to help their families. From my study of positive psychology, with its emphasis on strengths, I believe we have a whole repertoire of possibilities we've scarcely tapped for families like ours.
I look forward to your responses.

No two children are alike

2006-11-09T16:05:00.000-06:00

When we have our first child, parents often feel unqualified. We don't know what to expect and often feel at a loss. As time goes by we gain experienc, build our skills and develop confidence. When we decide to have our second child we feel ready and able to handle whatever may come our way. Then surprise...we know nothing.

No two individuals are the same, and no two children are a like. One huge mistake parents make is to treat all the children the same. Each child has different needs, different desires and are motivated in different ways. This is something that parents must keep in mind. Too often parents attempt to treat their children equally in an attempt to be fair. The fairest thing for a parent to do when raising a child is to recognize the individuality and nurture the strengths and help minimize the weaknesses of that person. Unfortunatley what this means for us parents is that we really never stop learning.

Lisa Loury-Lomas, MA, LCPC
coach*counselor*consultant

Learn to live and stop existing
www.lisalistens.net
410-772-0499

Great link on Parenting Education

2006-11-07T09:49:00.000-06:00

http://www.incredibleyears.com/ Here is a great link for parenting education. I am just learning about this program. It has many ideas for good parent education and looks like a great program. I have just clicked around the site and really enjoyed the link on Child Art. I would love to hear what you think if you have taught or attended this course!
Mary Ivory MA, LCPC -Life Coach, Counselor-
Offices in the River North Area of Chicago, 312-859-6654

Assumptions About the Nature of Children

2006-09-22T12:57:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday I attended my first class on Positive Psychology Coaching led by Alex Linley. It was a great first class. One of the points he spoke of was the assumptions of human nature that impacts the way we coach our clients. It led me to think about the assumptions we have about the nature of children. For example are children born "rotten to the core," or are they born all good, maybe a combination of both good and bad, or even the possibility of the tabula rasa, the blank tablet through which parents write a life script. Our religious education and psychological legacy has impacted our society to view children more as being "all bad." Therefore, the parenting goal is to remove all this bad and replace it with good or at least train children to manage the bad. I have many thoughts about my own and others assumptions and the parenting styles that are generated from what we believe. I thought I would throw out some general thoughts and see what others think.

Stay Strong. Stay positive.

Golden Jenkins

LifeCare Coaching
Auburn, AL
334.444.3500

Caring For Your Life is Our Ministry

Share with Your Pediatrician

2006-09-01T23:47:00.000-05:00

Facing the Challenges and Finding Strength:
A Parenting Teleclass for Mothers with Medically Fragile Infants

***Join us for weekly meetings over the telephone***
Mothers with medically fragile infants have many additional
emotional and information needs beyond those of typical births.
Often the best insights, ideas and true empathy come from those who
also face this difficult situation. Discussing the needs of babies and families
over the phone offers a safe setting for sharing and eliminates the need
for travel to a common meeting place.

***Teleclass Meetings begin: October 9, 2006***
Each group will meet for four, one‐hour sessions over four weeks.
Session topics may include:
• October 9, 2006 –Myths and Surprises about Parenting
• October 16, 2006 –Finding Time for Yourself
• October 23, 2006 –Understanding Development
• October 30, 2006 –Using Your Strengths to Establish a Routine

***Participant fee***
Participants are responsible for their own telephone or long distance charges.
Register-by phone or email by October 2, 2006

***Space is limited -- Teleclass is limited to 10 participants***
To register, call 847‐276‐2662 or email Cathy@CathyRodrigues.com.
Please provide your name, address, telephone number, email address. The
confidential conference call number will be given once you register.

***Facilitator: Cathy A. Rodrigues, ACSW, LCSW , CMC***
Cathy offers more than 25 years experience serving families as a social worker.
She has been recognized for developing training programs and innovative support
groups for parents of foster, adoptive and children with special needs. In addition to her private practice, Cathy serves as a consultant to the Illinois Early Intervention System and to various agencies. Cathy received her Coach
Certification through MentorCoach, Inc. a coach training program accredited
through the International Coach Federation.

Cathy Rodrigues •
www.cathyrodrigues.com •
Cathy@CathyRodrigues.com •

5 sleep tips for new parents

2006-08-13T00:33:00.000-05:00

Your baby was born early, a bit premature and spent some time in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit. You didn't expect anything that happened. finally, your baby is home; you are exhausted and want to sleep. How can you get some rest and help your new baby begin to establish a sleep schedule? Here are 5 tips to help with the adjustment. Remember it may take a bit of time before there is an identifiable pattern and schedule.

Get active-you will sleep better if you get out and walk.
Adjust your expectations-the house does not have to be perfect.
Recognize signs of fatigue and stress in your baby.
Keep track of your baby’s development in relation to her adjusted age.
Establish a sleep routine.
Make her crib a sleep safe haven.
Encourage napping-try to get hr ready for nap before she is exhausted. Waiting until she is beside herself with fatigue and over stimulation helps no one.
Begin to look for signs of fussiness and tiredness 1 ½ to 2 hours after waking in the morning.--Often times a baby can’t usually stay awake longer than two hours at a time. For the first few months, however, go with the flow and get to know your baby—once she grows older and sometime after about 3 months, babies can begin to show signs of a pattern and some may begin to be getting their days and nights straightened out.

Let me know what you think about these tips. Have you tried any of them, how do they work for you??
Cathy

Cathy Rodrigues, ACSW, LCSW
Certified Mentor Coach
www.cathyrodrigues.com
cathy@cathyrodrigues.com
847-276-2662

Positive Parenting Coaches

2006-07-18T09:51:00.000-05:00

Today I met with an amazing group of coaches who have a deep love for parenting and a desire to help parents parent from their strengths. These coaches are spread throughout the states promoting positive parenting. What great minds with great thoughts doing a great work. They have such fantastic energy to share what they know and to learn what they do not know. I am so thrilled to be a part of this group. A big scoop of thanks goes to Cathy Rodriques for organizing this group.

These coaches are now a part of this blog. So keep your eyes on it. All of us have a powerful opportunity to read great information on parenting, to be encouraged to be amazing parents, and receive focused assistance on the growth edges of our parenting. I look so forward to our parenting journey.

Keep reading and keep blogging.

Stay strong. Stay Positive.

Golden Jenkins, M.Div., M.Ed., LPC
President

LifeCare Coaching
"Caring for Your Life"
Auburn, AL
334.444.3500
goldenkj@charter.net

A quick hello

2006-07-17T19:12:00.000-05:00

I am just saying a quick hello here to get the blog a going. I am so pleased to make this technology work to make our world a bit more friendly toward healthy parenting! Let me tell you a bit about why I enjoy being a part of the work that supports people becoming the best that they can be.

I was born the youngest of three children in Detroit, Michigan at a time when family life and encouraging children meant sending the little ones to school and church and everyone just hoped things would turn out right. Yes it was the 1950-60's! I think the society still hopes that those actions will still produce the next set of citizens but we are starting to realize that parenting is a lot more complicated than before. Technology is changing everything quickly. There is so much information flowing and a great expectation that we respond quickly that the arts of listening and caring in families is being shoved a side by purchasing goods to make up for lost family time. I am pleased to be able to use coaching skills to help parents set some goals that clearly reflect their hopes and dreams for their children. I am happy to be a part of this group that shares similar ideals.

So you will hear more from me soon but I wanted to get going and break some ice on this blog. Check out my favorite book list if you want to read some great stuff.

Mary Ivory MA, LCPC
Coach and Counselor
Gather Sparks Corporation
...Helping to find what lights your life...
312-859-6654
gathersparks@aol.com

Getting Started

2006-07-11T11:15:00.000-05:00

Several coaches from MentorCoach (Cathy Rodrigues, Lynne Berrett, Mary Ivory, and Golden Jenkins) met today in our virtual coffee house to talk about how we can share the depth of our love, knowledge, skills, and compassion about parenting from our strengths. We had a wonderful conversation about connecting with parents who want to be the best possible parents. We discussed the concept of setting up a blog which will create an extensive and dynamic conversation about parenting. We all wanted a place to share our thoughts, to gain new insights, and to talk with others who want to be positive parents focusing on their strengths. I took over the task of setting up the blog. One of our members (Sorry, I cannot recall which one) came up with the idea of "Positive Parenting" and Cathy shared the idea of the subtitle as "Parenting From Our Strengths." Loved it! Unfortunately, "Positive Parenting" already existed. Therefore, I went to our primary name as "Parenting by Our Strengths." I think it is a good alternative.

So here is the first post to our new blog. I invite you to make your comments.

I will be working on the technical side of allowing others to have access to actually submitting posts to this blog. I look forward to our many conversations, to our enhanced learning, to our added insights, and improved skills.

Stay Strong. Stay Positive.

Golden Jenkins, LPC
President

LifeCare Coaching
Auburn, AL
334.444.3500